New Year's Eve Eve, Eve

Sometimes I think people get bummed out by "resolutions" because they think too big. I struggle with it myself. It doesn't sound very exciting to resolve to be a more reasonable drinker who saves her change and tries to plan one fun (for her! not just the existing social obligations) weekend each month. But, because I'm a simpleton, I really think this will make a better life for me!

Resolutions are by necessity boring. They are the framework. We might as well call them habits, and maybe that would remove the bitterness. Semantics. You don't have to make new habits at the new year, but it's such a nice division point. You'll have lots of support from other positive thinkers who are trying to make their lives better. There doesn't have to be a million resolutions. I like three.

See, in my little fantasy land, I've set up resolutions as the tiny, constant attempts to change. Each month I will set up a new mind, body, and / or soul experiment, just for fun. Whatever sticks, sticks. The hope is that these little changes will allow the big goals to happen, kind of like a rain barrel.

And the big goals are the garden. Things like travel and  love and dance performances grow there, nourished by the rain barrel.

This is a pretty flaky analogy, I know. Magical hippy talk. But I've tried the outlined, measurable goal with multiple steps and intense straining and that hasn't really worked for me. Sometimes you just have to let it come to you, in my experience. And then recognize it. For example, last year I participated in a belly dance trio that choreographed and performed (beautifully, I might proudly add) at the Greek Festival. I poo poo it because, well, it rained that night and the only people there were the other dancers and their families. But we still did it. It really happened. It was on my list of goals.

It's a lot like the Lissa Rankin Eggy / Spermy thing. I'm using this elaborate garden explanation, because I like that a lot of the "magic" of gardening is science but there's definitely some woo woo in there, too. I'm still struggling to explain it, but it's also like the garden of Eden. We are already in the "paradise" and then we exile ourselves. It's easy to get all blame-y (the snake did it! It's Eve's fault!) but it's also UNAVOIDABLE. You must leave the garden. And then try to get back in.

So here's to a 2013 with more dancing, and some good trips and all the love we can find. I'm going to try going to bed on time and eating fiber. It will all work together. And/Or you'll hear about it again next December.

Annual Review: 2011 Was Kind of a Struggle

OMG I love the end of the year. Have I mentioned the "fresh sheet of paper" theory? Probably last year. Top ten lists, mind-maps, LISTS! (you know I love lists, right?), planning, listing, sparkles! But I'm really excited this year, because I found things on the internet that support my love of such things!

This year, I am using the annual review process I found on chrisguillebeau.com. I am also reading (from the Kindle lending library) a book about running life lessons. (Side note: it amuses and intrigues me that so many self-improvement ideas involve running. I suppose that's one of the reasons I keep trying, because there's some sort of connection that I can't fully name.) And really, that's what this blog is all about, between the whining and the dancing and thankfulness lists - what IS the meaning of life?

So, with no further ado: 2011: What went well this year?

My job: I know it's just a job. But I like to do things that I'm good at and that make a difference for others. I really do think that healthcare quality standards make things better for patients. And really simple ones, especially. It amazes me sometimes that United States National Patient Safety Goals have to include "Wash your hands" and "Make sure you have the right patient before you begin treatment", but they really do! And, colleagues that I know in my heart really care and want to do the right thing still struggle with these goals. I do feel that I'm in the right place at the right time, for once.

My health: no new cancer. This is more of a happy coincidence than the result of anything I've done. Next year, I will try harder.

Travel: I went to New Orleans (and I still haven't uploaded the pictures). It was amazing, and not what I assumed at all. I forgive you, South.

Voice: Not singing. But in the heat of some discussions (at work and at home), some voice of truth came out of me. I did not know the words. I should have listened closer, honestly. But I was happy it was there, and I look forward to hearing it more.

Dance: I love dancing. There, I said it out loud. And it means something, in the world. Have you seen this?
So inspiring.

What did not go well?
My garden: too much time online, not enough outside. I will correct that next year.

Running: I kind of dropped out. But like I said above, it appears to be important. I do like it. I just don't love it enough to be obsessed. I think if I sneak up on it, and very casually regard it and hold hands, we can do it again.

Relationship: Being married is hard. I think every mature human in a relationship knows this, but goes for the dumb fairy tale of yore every time. "Marriage" is a gatekeeper, Chris Gillebeau! I'm not sure what to do about it, except realize that I've paid the toll and we're on the road and we'll see where it goes.

Friendships: I'm good at hanging out. I'm not so good at being there. I will try harder for anyone who deserves it this year. I would love to be able to drop the "deserves it" clause, but the scar tissue makes me kind of thick sometimes.

My job: I have briefly succumbed to showing up. I want to be there, too. If I want to be there. You know.

Almost there: GOAL!!!!(s) for 2012. The theme? Small Change, Big Pay-Off.

My job: I will put the passion back by doing what I'm good at - literal, focused analysis with the big picture in mind.

My health: I will sneak the running back. I will remember that I never overeat anymore.

Travel: I want to go to Belgium / Netherlands / Luxembourg in the fall of 2012. There. I said it. 7 -10 days. Investigation begins now.

Voice: I will listen to the voice. Unless it's a voice about cookies or something.

House: I will fix things that are broken. This will make a pleasant environment.

Write: I will keep this blog up! Add pictures! Once a week!!! Exclamation makes it happen.

Dance: I will do a tribal solo at the August show. I will gain confidence by just dancing to my own music at home once a week.

Garden: I have seen the internet. I will then go outside, even if it's only 15 minutes of weeding or pruning.

I might be too old for this - or not old enough.

So I was scheduled to work for Janel today in the gardening business. I had my assignment ("Try to be at my place at 8, not 8:20," she stated). It was a beautiful sunrise, all orange. I had my new SPF t-shirt on, white of course, as specified in the dress code, so I wasn't afraid of getting a sunburn this time. I knew there was rain in the forecast, but how many times have those guys been wrong? Nothing to worry about.

It's easier to pace yourself when you work alone. I spent a lot of time at the property thinking about stuff, raking contemplatively, crap that you can't get away with when you work with the team. I like that aspect of the gardening work.

But I'm afraid I'm going to forget how to wear a suit, or walk in heels, or manage a meeting. It's been 34 days since my position was "affected" by the "economy" at the old corporate hospital that shall remain unnamed. What if I just fall off the face of the corporate planet? Is that okay? Who do you check with about that?

I'm starting to think that I'm not okay with falling off the face of the planet. I tried to sign up for a job fair that is tomorrow. But when I re-reviewed the list of employers present, I realized I only wanted to work for one of them, and the positions they had available were out of my league. Like, really out of my league. Requiring a statistics background. Yeah. Not going to work. Unless I can keep Kirk on the instant messenger at all times.

So, I garden again on Wednesday. Hopefully it won't rain, like today. My poor white fancy t-shirt was dirty before I even left Janel's house, when a tarp of yard waste went over my shoulder as we hoisted it to her pick-up. Later, my cuffs turned filthy brown from the lack of coverage of my rain poncho. Hopefully the laundry will fix it up. On the other hand, it's not like I was going to wear it to a job interview on planet corporate.