Memorial Day memories

Because I am saving my Half Year Resolutions for the 4th of July, here's some Memorial Day musings. In list formation, because you know how I love a list.

Wild lupine and honeysuckle at the trail head.

1. I feel a little bad that I didn't thank the troops on facebook for making freedom possible (yes, I am a very bad American....), but I would like to point out that Memorial Day is for remembering those who were lost at war. Presumably, they do not have profiles or regularly read them. 

2. As was outlined nicely on Salon (albeit in a weird sports kind of way), the military doesn't have much to do with freedom. If you're a philosophical sort, you will probably know either that free will does not exist, or that freedom is intrinsic and cannot be granted, it just is. 

Richard photographing his grandfather's grave

3. That being said, I do have many fond memories of accompanying the marching band for the high school my dad worked at to various rural Memorial Day parades in the 1970s. At least, I think they were Memorial Day parades, since they often went by or stopped at the town cemetery, which you wouldn't ordinarily do for the Blossom Queen parade. 

4. We rode our bikes today down the rail trail that would have gone through a few of these small towns, had we the energy to keep going. 

5. This gave me plenty of time to think about the interconnected nature of things. For example, as well as thanking the troops, who may not have directly "given" me my "freedom", we should probably thank everyone for everything. I was particularly struck by one section of the bike trail, where wildflower restoration was going taking place. I happen to know the woman who the project for the last 5 years. I don't think your average bicyclist or jogger would know that it had taken numerous volunteers 5 years of removing invasive plants to make the display you see today. They just take it for granted. 

6. So even though I am a reservedly non-patriotic American, you can't have America without me. And I thank you for your service, whatever it is you do. 

But I haven't got a thing to wear...

It's a well known quirk of mine that I have a rotating uniform for the office. (Because I love clothes, I couldn't have just one uniform, you know.) Monday is a sweater, Tuesday a skirt, Wednesday a scarf, Thursday a jacket, and Friday is for dresses.

But I don't really have a uniform for weekends or fun time. And I suspect because I like to leave things unplanned to see what happens, thus unintentionally hindering my fun while I stress about what to wear. Seriously, this happens. Ask The Smiths!

So, today I made a list of things that happen on the weekend, and what I might want to wear. This may seem like a lot of rules, but I think of it more like parameters. Because unlimited choices means anything but freedom to me. It's more like overwhelm. Because if you can wear anything, then you'll need to try on everything, right?

Which somehow lead to the bigger breakthrough. I'm afraid it will slip away again, so I'm going to write it in all caps, despite the fact it's not very catchy. I MAKE SYSTEMS TO GET THE DUMB DETAILS DOWN SO THE JUICY OTHER STUFF CAN HAPPEN. It's as big or small as you let it be, I suppose. Yes, what I'm wearing is small. But it lets the other stuff happen, right?

What's the other stuff? Always in motion is the future. Yeah, I just quoted Yoda.

The Laptop's Lament

If the warranty emails from my laptop brand are to be believed, this thing is 1 year old. This shiny, solid-state, over-stimulated mouse control hunk-o-junk was purchased specifically to write this blog. And yet, weeks of silence happen.

Is there more coffee?

It's not because I don't want to write. It's about making the time, making some dinner, getting there on time, scrolling through distraction. I wish it was more about gazing at the morning sun on my cat, or hiking trips, or a meditation retreat or something, but I guess it's just poor time management. The tools are ready.

So here's to trying harder. I've got some new tricks, new motivations (it's pathetic how much we love checklists), and new focus. Soon, I can tell you at length about all my new experiments, adventures, and searches. But not today.

It's okay, Grandma.

Grandma likes to be comfortable, and gets cratchity if there's too much noise, or static over music, or especially two kinds of music. Sometimes, I need to withdraw from the fray for a while and knit.  Hi, my name is Liz, and I might be my own grandmother.

For example, here is my ideal bed. Sadly, currently only available in cat sizes. 

Or, I might be moderately highly sensitive (yes, both adjectives are required). HERE'S a quiz if you want to check yourself. As I was happily reading clickbait on the social network that impersonates the internet these days, an article about "highly sensitive people" floated by a couple weeks ago. I lunged for the worm, and the hook was set. Apparently, the primary book on the topic has been on my coffee table for years (but probably not since 1996, when it was published). I feel a little sheepish about not reading it sooner.

The book is The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine M. Aron, PhD. My husband picked it up a couple years(!) ago on a random book store trip. He says he read part of it, and it was "good". That's all the encouragement I need, as I will read anything in front of me. It was cereal boxes, back in the pre-internet days.

So, I read it, and it was very reassuring. I'm not prematurely elderly. There's a name for it. And it's okay to take the time and solitude I need to feel comfortable.

Dr. Aron has a very kind writing voice, and I liked that there was research and field experience to back her suggestions. The book is broken into sections, to assist with feeling comfortable in a general lifestyle, at work, in relationships, etc.

I will note some of the exercises in the book felt a little too woo woo for me. That's a lot of woo woo, if you've read me before. I'm quite willing to make a vision board or set an intention while de-cluttering a room. But I'm not very comfortable with visualizing myself as a fussy infant, and then having a conversation with myself (as myself now, with myself the infant) to find out what my needs are.  Yeah. That's not working for me, even though I tried.

I've always been puzzled about the introverted extrovert, or the extroverted shy person that I seem to be. This concept of a personality trait seems tie it together better. And not that it matters what you call it, but everyone wants to know that they belong, and this seems like a good solution for me and many of my friends. There's no longer a reason to refer to myself in the third person as "Grandma". I can just be my sensitive self.

No, really, what's it all about?

I haven't been around lately. I would love to say I was traveling, or on a yoga retreat or something, but I was staring at my smart phone.

All my little experiments are about learning to wobble. Finding whiz, get it? That's what it's all about. There's no destination, just speed and sometimes grace. Sure, it's a little frustrating, because you never get there. You just keep turning over rocks. So, what am I working on now? Sleep. Steps. Meditation. All of which I can monitor from my smart phone.

So we wobble on. In fact, let's learn to wobble.

Sleep Cycle is my favorite app, perhaps of all time. You use your phone, placed under your pillow, to measure your sleep quality. When you set an alarm, the app uses your measurements to wake you up at the shallowest portion of your sleep cycle with a catchy, calming, echo-y song. You then can review all the oddly lovely graphs of your sleep. I've only got a week of measurements, but I'm seeing that I really do use weekends to "catch up" and stress makes my sleep poor, where exercise improves it. Duh. And Oh!

Steps are on my mind again. The snow is melting (very very very slowly, but that's probably good for the ground and my basement humidity). It's time to go for some walks. Now that I'm motivated to be well rested, I'm amazed to discover that the daylight savings time light seems to be a good fit for getting up early (I know, it makes no sense). So maybe I can get some walks in before work even! And my activity tracker is still motivating me.

And the holy goblet of meditation, you wily nebulous goal. One of my newer apps, called Happier has a meditation program. (I would love the app so much more if they didn't constantly direct you to purchase one of their programs, but I am loving the Meditation one....) Sure, I thought, nothing else has worked (like pure force of will). Why not? And it's really good. The facilitator has removed quite a few of my mental barriers to why I "can't" seem to meditate. Turns out, I was doing okay. I just needed a mantra to focus on. But it's only a 7 day program, and I'm on day 5. What to do next?

Wobble on, I guess. Because really, I'm not trying to "save" time, or increase my earnings, or lose 20 pounds fast (although all those things sound good sometimes). I'm trying to do better, so I can love better.

Slow Growth

Liz and a tree, originally uploaded by wizzybit.

(I am fully aware that is a Joshua tree and not a Saguaro cactus. The metaphors that follow should still apply, however.)

So why am I doing this blog anyway? It started as a record and an outlet for my self-improvement ramblings. So many of my experiments either do not produce reportable findings or don't take off at all. But I think checking for growth is important. You stop growing, well, you stop.

And if you're a plant, you start dying? Granted, I am not a plant. But I might be a super-slow plant, like a Saguaro cactus (the slowest growing plant in the world, says Google).

One of the gardener mantras from my summer of manual labor was, "If it's brown, cut it down." (Weeds were "pull it low and pull it slow". There were some other ones, but they might have been about coffee or mulch....). And it seems like a good time to start pruning in my life. Pruning to produce fruit? Root pruning, in order to stay healthy in a small container? I think we're just cutting out the dead and crossing branches. You have to be careful with the slow-growing plants, because it will take them a while to recover from a poorly-planned cut.

So what I am cutting? I've been working on my definite no list. It's the list of things I never have to consider, unless I want to. It includes weeknight bar nights, boats, horror movies, and white pants. When it gets warmer, we'll try to think bigger.

But for now, I'm dropping the dead buds and storing water. Hang on.

Snow Smarts

Snow is the boss right now. Snows tells us where to be, when we're going to get there, how much activity is possible or necessary. Snow, frankly, is kind of a jerk.

So I am trying to find ways to appreciate the, uh, crystal clarity of snow. Snow wisdom, if you like. Because the snow is teaching me what I really like, and it's surprising.

Maybe I was just mopey last weekend. I'd had a stressful week at work, and every day it seemed like there was more snow. We are running out of places to put it around our driveway, which affects our mobility, and then when you do get the car on the road, the streets are narrow and slippery. The below-zero temperatures make it less carefree for being outside, and it's rare to find a sidewalk that has been cleared, let alone a long stretch of them for walking. So, I am definitely feeling housebound, and motivated to get out.

Except for when I'm not. There were multiple occasions last weekend when the struggle to get through the snow to the event seemed more than a minor annoyance, but a true barrier. Some of these were social events, yes. And I've always thought of myself as a very social person, happiest in a crowd. How could I miss the party, and yet be okay with it? This had never happened before.

But if I really think about it, it happens all the time, and has for all time. It used to drive my younger brother to tears because sometimes I just had to play by myself, in my room, with the door closed. It's not that I didn't enjoy playing with him, but that sometimes I knew, even as a child, that I needed to be by myself. Somehow, I've forgotten that, and packed the calendar with lots of lovely activities, but more loveliness than I can handle.

And even though I used to know this, I am still surprised by what a homebody I've turned into over the years. If you had told me 20 years ago I would want to stay home sometimes (anytime!), I would have told you that was impossible.

It suddenly occurred to me, snow is the lens! When accepting invitations, I need to remember, what if I had to dig the car out of a snowbank? Would I still want to go to this?

So, yes, snow is the boss. Snow is kind of jerk. But it makes it all crystal clear.