Tuesday, July 4, 2017

How I fell out of love with self help by helping myself.

For so long, I thought if I could just perfect myself, all of my problems would be dissolved. But as it turns out, you need to solve the problems before you can stop caring about perfecting yourself.

Have I really solved all of my problems? Highly unlikely, but I at least made some action towards the biggest problem. I got a divorce. I would not propose this as the solution for everyone, obviously, but if you've been trying to figure out why your primary relationship makes you so unhappy for ten years, it could be an good option for you. Worked wonders for me.

I must thank the self-help industry for much of this. I tried to declutter. I owned my shit. I ran. I dieted. I blogged. I tried photo challenges. I did everything but talk to him about how awful this made me feel. And after all that, he literally bought a cottage and moved there, and we were done, and we were both fine. Conscious uncoupling through real estate.

This is not to say that abandonment felt great. It did not.

But I was finally free from contortion. I could just be me. I had to rediscover what I liked. I tried all the things that were previously forbidden. I stopped going to the events that had always kind of bored me. I listened to bad music and watched whatever TV show or movie I felt like watching. The good news was, I was pretty much already me.

The even better news was that I wasn't damaged by all this craziness, the dumb projects (I still try them sometimes - I may need to revisit the intermittent fasting soon), the twisty poses and affirmations that I am not so sure about. Whew, now we can work on real problems!

Can we fix anything? I was thinking about what this blog would be after the self-help. Can we try these experiments on a larger scale? Maybe ask the United States to drink apple cider vinegar every day until we realize that it's just fucking up our tooth enamel and nothing is happening?

What am I starting to understand is there needs to be a vision. We can't just resist the nasty stuff, but we need a destination in mind. Where do we want to go? Who do we want to be?

So here I go again. Trying to find myself by looking. Answering the rhetorical questions that no one expected to find an answer to, and asking even more. Relaunched.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Lazy Perfectionist gets imperfectly active

While googling "lazy perfectionist" (because I just read the Elizabeth Gilbert book Big Magic, and that idea really cracked me up/resembled me), I came across the website of a Christine Carter. I started poking at her 90 day Habit Program, and realized, I have found my newest project!

I'm on day 5 at this point, and I always feel reassured when the program I'm currently doing is reinforced by programs I've already done. (I believe that's called confirmation bias?) So yeah, I think it's going to be good. Plus, I get to be in another Facebook group, and there's text reminders (which is a new one, but less annoying than getting texts about coupons from retailers, so I guess I'm cool with it), even accountability buddies (which I am stubbornly going to resist).

So what habit to pick? She's got that covered. The one that supports the feeling you want to have. Whoa, confirmation bias via Danielle Laporte too? Luckily, I have already made my desire map, so I focused on feeling Resilient. I would like to feel loose clothing all around me. I would like to be bouncy and able to recover from illness and setbacks and overindulgence like a rubber ducky in a duck race.

My photo from 2015 Art Prize, of the Great Race by Michael Peoples.

Since this sounds a lot like feeling healthy, I decided to focus on my health. By remembering that food and drink can support my resilient health goals or undermine them. By finding the key stone habit and the trigger and following the program. 

So I am going for a walk every day. And the tricky part is that it can be a very short walk, as short as around the block. If it can be longer, that would be fantastic too, but around the block is nothing to discount. I wanted the trigger to be getting home from work, but here it is Sunday night, and I realized I only responded to that as the trigger, well, 1 out of 5 days. But I didn't start until Wednesday, either, so maybe next week will be a better test. 

I'm already envisioning this going so well that I'm making lists of other habits to implement or break. Maybe I can plan my meals! Clean my house! Meditate! 

But first, I have to walk around the block. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Word of the Year: Integrity

  1. 1.
    the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
    "he is known to be a man of integrity"
    synonyms:honestyprobityrectitudehonor, good character, principle(s), ethics,morals, righteousnessmoralityvirtuedecency, fairness,scrupulousness, sinceritytruthfulness, trustworthiness
    "I never doubted his integrity"
  2. 2.
    the state of being whole and undivided.
    "upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty"
    "the integrity of the federation"

And I think I mean it both ways. There are so many kinds of virtues, that one could never get tired of them. This also means that one could never perfect all of them either, so a little leniency  is in order. I also like the idea of being "whole and undivided". It seems like conserving the energy it takes to be two separate persons could be better used being one person who tries her best. 

Of course, focusing on one thing is always a problem for me. I am too interested in too many things. I would like to think it was a Renaissance problem, but I think it's more of an attention problem. But is there any less virtue in multiples? Not under this system? A struggle, to be sure. Not a given. 

It's one thing to have a philosophical slogan, and another to implement it. That will be the real struggle, constructing exercises to strengthen integrity. 

I like January to be the planning month, where I try on new routines and see what works, but now I'm moving past self-improvement as fixing faults, more towards building strength, much like a diet where you remove unhealthy foods, and then add in healthy ones. 

I took the Martha Beck course "The Integrity Cleanse" for the 2nd time because it's literally about my word of the year. How are you going to ignore that? And it's a little different this time. I could focus a little better since I was not so wobbly with the tools this time, but I'm still having a hard time believing it's really possible to have your every communication and action in integrity.

Which is why I'll always have more exercises to do....

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Annual review in preparation for the infamous Word of the Year

In my quest to "find wiz", I have long used the Chris Guillebeau annual review approach. But last year, instead of a goal or a phrase, I was able to narrow it down to a sound (that, yes, means two different things, but still, talk about simple!) via the Christine Kane worksheet. So this year, I'm going to steal the best aspects of both for the ultimate in goal setting exercises.

Step 1 has to be the annual review, it seems. I can't go forward unless I look back.

What went well? 
I do think the dance projects went well. I was able to attend one big dance festival, an intensive, and several really good workshops. Seriously, Kaeshi Chai, Sonia Ochoa, Tribal Revolution with Zoe Jakes and Jill Parker, and then MORE Jill Parker in my hometown plus an intensive with Deb Rubin?! It was an amazing line up that I couldn't have wished for realistically.  But it really did happen. And I think that's why my holiday hafla solo went so well this year. So much amazing inspiration and training.

The career is going well, too. I'm finding my voice and learning when to use it.

And the voice, literally. After a virus wiped out half of my vocal cords, the speech rehab opened my mind about training and how important breath is to something you do every day, "naturally". Now, to remember to use my skills.

What could have gone better?
Alas, I fear 2015 will be remembered as a very sad, lonely year in my heart. But in my loneliness, I did discover the support of real friends. That's not an entirely bad thing, but definitely a little bittersweet. And that I could do "it" myself, whatever that project might be.

So did the word of the year work? How did Aw/Awe shape 2015 for me? Looking for tiny beautiful things and being amazed by them can carry you perhaps not that far, but smoothly and strongly.

Coming next: The Word of 2016. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

That time the speech therapist made me cry

As I am trying to lower my shoulders and relax my neck and breathe from my diaphragm for the speech therapist, a ghostly stricture crushes my trachea. "Oh, that was weird!" I immediately said (while probably not using the proper breath support) and tears filled my eyes.

"What is it? What's going on?" she asked. I tried to explain the whole thyroid cancer thing, which she already knew about. It's not like it hurt, it just threw me back in the middle of that whole medical drama, which I thought I had transcended.

But no. A high school Facebook friend is having similar problems and had posted pictures of her fresh incision recently. That may have been on my mind. I've been kind of annoyed with her dramatic postings, wanted to simultaneously reassure her and smack her down. It's not even a real cancer! They should call it something else. Really, get a grip.

As usual, the one I want to smack down and reassure is myself.

Why do you have to be such a Puritan hardass? Why does everything need to perfect? Why don't you just chill? Why don't you speak up? (Because I'm in speech therapy because I lost half my vocal volume, you inner jerk!)

And the reassurance? Ugh.

I will try to reassure myself, too. But I am not sure that works. I have notebook after notebook of morning pages at this point, and I'm going to estimate it's 50% rumination, 30% self-reassurance, 20% lists. Yeah, I guess I haven't hit 110% on self-reassurance yet. Try harder.

I will declare this a victory in realizing that I'm not "over" it yet, and that I need to be kinder. To myself, for not being kinder. To my poor ex-classmate, for having provoked none of this. To my speech therapist, who had to deal with a crazy body memory of what it feels like to have your neck sliced open, no matter how expertly.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Yoga Challenge, because I am THRIFTY, and my ham strings are tight.

The dance class schedule kind of slows down for me in the summer. Luckily, a local yoga studio offers a new student discount (unlimited drop-in classes for 2 weeks for $20!!!!!!!!!). If I go twice, I've already gotten my money's worth. So yes, I accept this challenge. I shall om and namaste until the cat / cows come home, or two weeks is up, whichever comes first.

And I've already gone four times! Last Saturday was a lovely traditional yoga class, with some great hip stretches, and a wonderful shavasana. As a belly dance student, I get some super-tight hips. There are probably mechanical things that I am doing wrong (throwing out instead of down, or pelvis positions), so I always appreciate a good Pigeon Pose. I was amused by the glitter stuck to my mat from a prior dance class or costume, and the hilarious "facial" expression on the electrical outlets (like below). I would have taken my own picture, but it seems very wrong to bring a camera into the studio to me. (Potential Yoga Faux Pas #1)

Monday, Lindsey and I went to the "introduction" to yoga class, where the instructor uses a different style from time to time. And oh yes, there are SO many different styles. A quick Google (or heck, any medium-sized yoga studio's class list) will tell you that. Apparently they had just trained in bowspring posture, or Sridaiva. From my dance training, it seemed like a very awkward and not particularly healthful posture. Pelvis tipped back. Knees bent, almost all the time. Shoulders pulled back, chest open, stomach "long". Lots of scraping your foot back, to twang your own hamstrings. Which honestly, every massage therapist (yes, BOTH of them) has told me I have very tight ones. Why would I want to make them tighter? This is why I DO yoga, to do something that doesn't tighten my hamstrings and hip flexors. But we were game. We did the little jumps, held our hands in a crazy claw position, tried to kneel over a block for "relaxation". I can't say that I'm a fan, but I tried it.

And there, I believe I committed Yoga Faux Pas #2, wearing a t-shirt with distracting word graphics on it. Sorry, fellow yogis. I like WIDR-FM. A yoga-fan friend says she's never heard that was a problem, but I know I wouldn't appreciate trying to decipher a classmate's t-shirt, so I will try to avoid doing it again.

Two days after Sridaiva class, my thighs were still screaming. So I plotted my day around a Yin Yoga class, to take it slow, hold some poses, relax, you know. I had made yoga a priority. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, and I checked in to class. I should have sensed something then, from the desk attendant's expression, or the fact that the door to the studio was closed. But I was in fact 15 minutes late, something I could have avoided if I had listened to the little voice at home telling me to look at the schedule one more time. I unrolled my mat as quietly as I could, as they were already clearing the chakras by chanting, and I jumped in right at the throat (oh, HAMMMMM - how you crack me up...). Once I got over my own embarrassment and rushing feeling, I loved it. I loved holding the poses longer, I loved the chanting, and the sighs, and the comfort. Not too shocking - you know I love the woo woo already. And now I can let go of my annoyance with anyone who shows up late, because it has already been me. Yoga Faux Pas #3 has been committed, and accepted.

Yesterday I went to another "community class". I don't think it was a "heated flow" (aka, "hot yoga"), but that was certainly the most I've ever sweated in a yoga class. At first I wondered if it was from the excesses of the night before - maybe my little body wanted to get all of the Oberon out of my system. But despite the fact it is not productive to compare your pose to anyone else's, I was reassured to see others drip as well. I gave the instructor at the end my sweaty sweaty feedback. He said he would take that as a compliment.

I'm also trying to go through a little 5 pose flow every morning at home, to wake myself up and break the habit of phone scrolling in bed. Child's pose, to cat/cow, downward dog, hip fold, triangle.

The overall intent is to get me to Tribal Revolution without completely stiffening up. I also really love the language of yoga. the attempt to connect the mind and body through impossible instructions. Breathe into your lower back. But that's impossible! And yet, I can feel the difference.

So here we go. I love a good challenge!

Monday, June 15, 2015

Morning Pages ate my Blog

As with any "_________ ate my ________" excuse, this is probably not exactly true. But daily writing exercises do make daily blogging slightly less compelling. Add procrastination, perfectionism, and denial to the mix, and there go three months.

Lookit! It's gone. So, we start again. Morning pages, you are for warming up the pen. Rambling. Venting. Blog, you are for concise and logical public thoughts. 

I'm the one at the party, talking to no-one. 

But aren't all thoughts public these days, through all the social media platforms? I find myself trying to hide opinions more than not. I'd written a draft about the appalling public shaming that . daily. Today's news was about Jerry Seinfeld saying that college campus are too "P.C." for comedy these days, and he avoids them. Instead of considering whether this was a valid point, and the majority of the comments under the article either mocked him for not being edgy enough to have to worry about such things, or basically called him a has-been loser anyway who cares whatever. 

I still want to think about, well, is that a bad thing? Can you still be funny without being mean to someone? We know Jerry doesn't want to offend nice people ("Not that there's anything wrong with it!"), but he still wants to tell his version of the truth. Is that lame? Cruel? No longer modern? 

I'm sure a minority of those comments asked the questions, floated some theories about self-loathing being funnier now, punch-down comedy manifestos, etc. But it's so exhausting to dig through the black-and-white thinkers and the just listening-to-themselves-talk-narcissists to find the deeper thoughts. 

I guess I'm tired of thinking, too. Can't cough up 5 paragraphs once a week. Who am I to complain? No more complaining. Instead, I'm recommitting to the blog. Once a week. My vanilla thoughts, for you to consider. Namaste, bitches.