More smashing.

Saturday, I smashed my bike helmet. It shouldn't have been that easy to do, is one excuse. I was just frustrated by the difficulty of the trail, and how hot I was on a perfectly cool day, and meant to just toss it a little and pick it up. The plastic over the foam immediately popped off (apparently just held on with a sticker!!!) and it all fell in a patch of poison ivy, ironically. I carried it until I found a trash barrell, which was another 4 miles up.

Richard had gone ahead and didn't really pay much attention to my tantrum until we stopped and talked about it. It's rare for me to be angry, really. I can't decide if it's more helpful to feel the negative emotions, or to brainwash myself with the usual positive statements. But yeah, I'm pissed, I suppose. I'm frustrated. I also know, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen.

I'll just keep pedaling for that smiley face in the clouds. There really was one. I didn't even try to take a picture, because I knew it was only visible because that's what I was looking for.

It's like running in a circle.

I tried to apply for some more jobs last night. Same effect as before! Too chicken to hit the "Apply" button. But chicken isn't really the problem. Part of it is a fear of success, that I will actually have to go out and meet some people and go back inside.

This is not to say there aren't some applications out there, simmering. I haven't heard back yet, which seems like a good thing. Many of the other jobs I have applied for got back to me in less than 24 hours with rejections.

Today I'll have to call the old hospital, because I have to beef up my resume for federal jobs. They want MONTH and year, and I sure can't remember that much detail, along with salary, which I certainly don't remember. I watched a little video on the OPM (Office of Personnell Management) website last night, and the tiny federal man and his captions are correct - I will need to put some work into it, and therefore will get out of it what I put in.

In the mean time, we got a kitten (Mr. Sam Awesome!) but my father's long-time companion ("love of his life", he said) died. I'm ready for 2009 to turn around.

Breakfast of smiles.

Breakfast of smiles., originally uploaded by wizzybit.

Time to get back on track again. It's so easy to space out and just eat everything in sight, and still want more. So I've been trying to make more food at home, because it is generally tastier. And presumably healthier.

The gardening is hard work and hard on my body, and I want to be able to reap some sort of benefit from it. You know, weight loss. Sorry. Girl brain. But I am proud of myself for the progress I've made. I'm not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of bugs. I can lift a big rototiller into a truck with help. I can work for 10 hours and still do things in the evening.

I might be ready for an office job, though. I saw one sentence (in a magazine at the yoga studio, waiting for belly dance class to begin) that sums it all up. You are who you are, not what you "do".

Manual labor = good times?

Manual labor = good times?, originally uploaded by wizzybit.

I've been thinking about the "shame" of not having a knowledge worker position at this time, when the New York Times published this article (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/24/magazine/24labor-t.html) in the Magazine last Sunday. Although my job isn't quite as cool as fixing vintage motorcycles, I do feel pretty much the same way. It's hard to look for a "straight" job right now, because I don't even want to do it.

But I'm turning around. Janel said I was a pessimist today. I've never wanted to be seen that way, so it's time to get in gear and be the optimistic idiot that I really am. Why wouldn't I be able to make a living gardening? There's as much work as there is time and space. What was I going to do with more stuff? I love to travel! Money is for eating. There is no such thing as security, anyway.

Looking down the mountain

Looking down the mountain, originally uploaded by wizzybit.

I'm back from two different trips, the only ones I had planned this summer. This is a scenic overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina. Very gorgeous, but not my scene. I felt unbalanced there, and the actual wave of relief that came over me when as we drove back into the midwest flat lands was unexpected, but pleasant.

Why, indeed.

Why, indeed., originally uploaded by wizzybit.

A picture I took at my former employer's parking ramp, back in December 2008. I would have added the question mark, if I'd had spray paint with me.

I'm ashamed to admit, I kind of finished smashing my old Canon point and shoot today. It was somewhat satisfying, but now I'm without a reliable camera to carry with me. I had dropped it on the stairs, trying to get a picture of Blueberry the cat, back in the day. The bottom kind of popped out, so you had to hold it together while taking pictures, to make sure the batteries were engaged. I tried to take pictures last night, but it was too frustrating. I tried some more today, and was equally annoyed, and then the smashing began. Against the dining room table, nothing too dramatic. But it's dead now.

Really?

I intended to apply for jobs online today, but didn't actually click the Apply button once. Why do I feel like a 1990s PSA against marijuana usage? I guess I was just being overly literal again. Do I really have ALL of those qualifications? Of course not. I never did, even for the jobs I've already performed. We're all impostors, no?

I had lunch with my dad, also. I secretly hoped he'd have a surprise way out. Surprise! You don't have to worry about this any more because you've passed all the tests! Now, you can just kick back and travel, with daily mimosas. But, really, no one IS coming to save me. I have to do it myself.

Also filed under, "Really?" is that there's a movie coming out of that stupid Julie / Julia book. God, I hated that book. I may have been unreasonably jealous of the concept, because I love to document things like that. I did start dating each recipe in the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook as I cooked it, and it's entertaining just from a historical perspective. I haven't made banana muffins since 2007? How can that be? So maybe I'm a little more critical, because I know that I didn't follow through. Much easier to glare at Meryl Streep, I suppose.

Plants I hate

I did 10 hours for the gardening job today. I was working alone again, and really, only two things happened. I found a dead bird (it looked like a robin, maybe died last fall?) and I found a 4-leaf clover.

I also decided, there's the gardening job, and there's the gardening joy. Joy usually occurs in my own yard, I'm projecting, because I don't have any of the plants I hate there. Joy and job are pretty close in this aspect, so I shouldn't make it sound too negative.

But, oak trees, why do you have to keep your leaves so long, and then drop them in the ground cover? I fish out your leathery bits for hours. And ground cover (really, most of it, but I'm especially tired of cottoneaster and vinca today), why do you have to hoard so many oak leaves? There's plenty for everyone, and I still end up leaving you quite a bit to hide, since it's impossible to pull it all out with a rake, or even your gloved hand.

A minor annoyance, obviously. At the end of the day, I took a shower and ran off to belly dancing class. After my usual circle through the alley and downtown, I ended up in my usual parking place near the movie theater. On the sidewalk, there was another dead bird, larger than the first - maybe a crow, or a pigeon? I didn't even want to look, as it was more recently deceased. I did not find another 4-leaf clover, or penny to balance it out.

I might be too old for this - or not old enough.

So I was scheduled to work for Janel today in the gardening business. I had my assignment ("Try to be at my place at 8, not 8:20," she stated). It was a beautiful sunrise, all orange. I had my new SPF t-shirt on, white of course, as specified in the dress code, so I wasn't afraid of getting a sunburn this time. I knew there was rain in the forecast, but how many times have those guys been wrong? Nothing to worry about.

It's easier to pace yourself when you work alone. I spent a lot of time at the property thinking about stuff, raking contemplatively, crap that you can't get away with when you work with the team. I like that aspect of the gardening work.

But I'm afraid I'm going to forget how to wear a suit, or walk in heels, or manage a meeting. It's been 34 days since my position was "affected" by the "economy" at the old corporate hospital that shall remain unnamed. What if I just fall off the face of the corporate planet? Is that okay? Who do you check with about that?

I'm starting to think that I'm not okay with falling off the face of the planet. I tried to sign up for a job fair that is tomorrow. But when I re-reviewed the list of employers present, I realized I only wanted to work for one of them, and the positions they had available were out of my league. Like, really out of my league. Requiring a statistics background. Yeah. Not going to work. Unless I can keep Kirk on the instant messenger at all times.

So, I garden again on Wednesday. Hopefully it won't rain, like today. My poor white fancy t-shirt was dirty before I even left Janel's house, when a tarp of yard waste went over my shoulder as we hoisted it to her pick-up. Later, my cuffs turned filthy brown from the lack of coverage of my rain poncho. Hopefully the laundry will fix it up. On the other hand, it's not like I was going to wear it to a job interview on planet corporate.